It's not that my life is complete. If you call waking up late and stay-up nights is complete, yes. Now I feel contented with everything around me- my old dusty paraphernalia, my clawing-each-other siblings, my furniture-less bedroom and dance routines.
When I look into the past,(not that I'm bragging) my exam transcript with unblemished As would make me excited into hysteria. In that particular moment, I felt my life was perfect. Now I could show to the world how perfect was my life with the series of sensational As on that transcript. Now I could apply for any courses that I used to dream and be accepted, with no doubt on my capabilities. Now I could vouch my future prospects. Oh, how conceited.
Until I realised that those 'A's are just another society way of judging you. Its to show how much I conform to societal thoughts. Maybe I was a warrior to myself, to my family, that I was the person who acquire that pride, that respect. Becoming an academic entity, and hailed for that matter.
All my life, I've done whatever the society, and the family expected me to do, or be. I've done the A-Level and be proud that finally hell is over, and I fortunately aced it. But society has prepared a new challenge for me. My parents expected me to be 'not so full of myself' because all the good things that happened to me. They said that I was being arrogant because I refused to clean the house or wash the dishes. In short, do the charitable good deeds as a thank-you gift.
Yes, sometimes maybe I refused, sometimes I delayed, but I still did it. So whats the problem with 'sometimes'. I'm not like some regular guys that go skylarking all day and returned home wasted. Or some dudes who spend his nightfall cuddling with his girlfriend in a secluded empty cabin, waiting to get laid. I don't do that. I don't even have a girlfriend to get laid with.
Maybe my parents want this typical guy to be a perfect being. And by 'perfect' I mean with perfect personalities, perfect studies, perfect 'imam' to my family, perfect cook, perfect maid, perfect everything.
Well I'm not. I don't have both penis and vagina. I cannot reproduce myself. How can I be perfect? I just cannot. I'm tired with my mom moaning, hoping that I will be someone who good at religion. She refrained my sister from being a MARA student just because she saw the 'imperfection' in me. Because I don't join the prayers with family, or eat together. Because sometimes I provoked their views and try suggesting mine. Because I was rebellious.
No matter how much you serve, the only apparent deed is the wrongdoings. Oh, how premature. How conventional.
When everything is complete, people is find the your flaws to work against you. And people will expect more, because that's how people are. And you will not have a chance to discover yourselves, because your duties to the society is overloading and you have to fill that. That's our life as society robots.
And because of this, I forgot how to love. I don't even know how to. Oh, I sound like a retarded robot!
