-A man can always use a good cigarette, knife and firearm- Deja Vu (2006)
If thats true, I can see that a man like this is so weak. Feeble and fragile. All you care is killing and dueling huh? Very shallow. Short-sighted mind. Then I would be so insecure to be born a male.
Call me emasculated. Oh, maybe thats how my brain works. Maybe I hate duelling. Maybe I loathe fighting, or war, or even dreaming of growing into an army. Oh, you glorify yourself as a real man because you fight, punch people, bleed your ass and sometimes your penis. And you have scars to prove your manhood. Yes, you are the man.
And fuck you 'man'!
***
(inhale)
I HATE MY DAD!!!!!!
(exhale, followed with a long sigh)
Now I feel a lot better. I said it. The 4 staggering words, now stop stabbing my heart. Let me breathe easy. (sigh)
Today my dad, once again, had fucked up with my emotion. Yes, he played it well, good enough to make me yell onto his face. Oh, only if he isn't my dad. I would just leave this dwelling, just like what I did to my job. Maybe my intention sounds hideous, but I was really worn off. My hunch was just right when I abandon my job. That company really had me worked my ass, and that revealed the truth that teaching isn't as easy as it sounds. Thus, for those who condemn teachers, oh please bail your filthy words, and try standing upfront for 1 hour and 30 minutes with a 2-pages syllabus, and I want to see how would you present.
I bet you would wet your pants. This doesn't include your circle of audiences. How would you handle adult students? Is that the same as the little ones who doesn't know how to pee right? You bet.
Enough about my past career. Back to my dad. Annihilation is indispensable if he doesn't consider to ceasefire. I mean, if he keeps on fighting with me, without rationalizing his words and actions, I am really going to do something. I did the not-speaking term for 2 months, and it seemed to change him for a minute. Perhaps not-talking is better than talking. Perhaps I need to re-do the process, and see what's coming.
Some people might have fathers whom they admire, love, worship. But that never happened to me. Not a second. The only positive emotion is, gratitude. I'm just grateful that my dad banked me some money, even the money is attached with a line of resentment, and sarcasm, which usually ruined my day.
Today, he spoke of the attitude of being a 'man'. non-verbally of course. I can always read someone through their attitude. And my dad, he is not the kind I would respect. He spoke highly of his children who are always academically meteoric, whom he disrespects by slapping or canning or hurting, and never felt a scrape of guilt of his demon-driven actions. And he would expect us to respect and be intimidated of him.
Yes, we were intimidated. But never respected him. Why should we? I think the pot is calling the kettle black. When he is boasting around his mates, we never feel more humiliated and pestered. I don't need his publicities, I felt we are becoming one of his priding tools when he did that. I hate it so much that I was thinking of a plastic surgery.
Speaking of the idea of manhood, from my dad's reflection, I could see 'clearly' from his perspective what a man should do when he is married. A husband should left his wife running all the chores and cook for him. He should never touch a stove, unless he's stoned and his wife forgot to cook. A wife should never expect a hand from his husband, because he paid for the dowry. A man should have the woman for the fucking nights, which usually makes the wife sounds like a whore. Ride hard and put away wet. And should never a husband touch, or treat, or call his wife with a gentle music. Because he paid the dowry. And because he paid, he has the right to enslave his wife. And even ignore her when her health is at stake. And left her in the labour room alone to deliver HIS child. Who is the effect of constant fucking(s).
Maybe this is the ideal man that he's been trying to convey since I was born, but I wasn't able to conceive. Very idealistic. Now I can see how will I venture my age of manhood.
See it? That's a man, right?
And till then, I rest my case. My dad is still reigning the top of my hate list.
