For most people who's taken a big leap in their life, it's very unlikely for them to dig up their pasts. dark times. Ancient, dark moments. When people once took them for granted, or look less picturesque, a loser.
In the moment of transition they underwent through painful, unbearable yet rewarding days that win them the appearance as now. Becoming a public image. A celebrity. An idol. And they decided to forget their pasts as it has never happened.
Until the cat is out of the bag.
Some big mouths spilled the rumors of your dark past. how do you feel? What is the feeling that being accused of something that you despise about yourself? Humiliated and paranoid describe it well. No one wants to be haunted of the past.
I was a loser to the public eye, but a sweetheart to my close friends. Very nice, shy, and more religious. A lot more pious than now. Moving on to 'present self', my 'former self' was like never exist. I changed. Like everyone does.
I went through the same phase and feel insecure about that. Insecure that my past was too angelic and the new me is no match. But I constantly spy into the window of the past to look again what I have done to myself. Physically, I like myself a lot better than before. In fact, a narcissist. yes, that bad. But the past is some little piece of me that I strand to emerge to a better self. Like a caterpillar in a cocoon, then into a blooming fluttery butterfly. Its a metamorphosis. Transition. Change.
My 'ancient me' whispered to me that he likes me as I appear, yet he told me that I can perform better in personality. Like I did before. Like the past. He said that my present self is morally corrupted. Defiled. Contaminated. A whore. And my present self furiously thundered, " well, u have no idea how it feels to be in this state! U just have no idea!" and sobbed silently. And my present self kept on preaching about self image, public presentation, looking fabulous, bla bla bla.. This 'present me' critically worships beauty and appearance more than anything else. This present me fails to evaluate the underneath beauty of a person. Shallow. Judgmental.
The past me didn't want to lose. He fought back and started talking about spiritual importance and good guidance. He even suggested the 'present me' to read some religious books left untouched on the shelves. Which the 'past me' bought for 'present me', but never hook his heart. Icy stone heart.
After the judge (the other voice inside) announced for break I gathered both selves to talk. Heart to heart. Before the judge did his job, my both self communed again and joined my soul. And I announced that I am ready for another change. Meaning, another phase of metamorphosis.
Which I lied.
The 'present me' chuckled.
